THE REMAINS OF HAPPINESS

Yesterday, I was watching a series on television. A happy couple (rich of course) is going to be married and found its ideal house.

The couple is outside the house and look at it, like the swimming pool and the penthouse reflect the happiness. And watching this scene, remember all these “objects of happiness” in all these future happy houses.

Till now, I go to divorced woman houses and drink coffee in the same cups that so carefully had chosen for the new house. A white excellent cup, a porcelain plate, the whole set for eat, for tea, for deserts. An expensive towel in the bathroom, a 100% cotton sheet on the bed, the decoration things chosen one by one by the couple or by the friends of it in the living room.

Objects that was firming the future happiness. That would take part in an ideal life full of love, comprehension and compassion.

And while you are waiting for the cup to be broken, love breaks. And people become from couple, single. And one of them keeps the objects.

Every time I have to drink my coffee in one ex-happy cup, my heart is tightening and every time I see an open cupboard with all this stuff, I am ready to cry.

Finally, the objects are stronger than happiness (?)

عجنبى

MOOOOVE! MOOOOOOOVE!

I am tired. I am really tired. And I am sick too.

As time goes by, I try very hard to find something to please me. This thing doesn’t mean that I am unhappy. No. I just have another, more eloquent criterion that I had, when I was young. Maybe I’m getting old, maybe I mature. I don’t know.

For me, life never stops. Every day brings something new and every day I want something new.

I am tired to meet people that still are proud for a success that they have when they were eighteen years old, or twenty or thirty and so on.

All my life I want to live and learn different things. When I study something, I do it and then finished. END! After this I want something new.

“I am a teacher. I finished the university”. All right, congratulations!

You had eighteen years old and now you are thirty five. All your life you will be proud of this? For something that happened seventeen years before?

I agree, this event gives you the opportunity to earn your life. You made it your job and you pay your rent. But… I don’t know.

Is it enough for people? Studies that provide them a job and nothing else?

Can a job be satisfied and proper for all your life? Your brain, your soul, your body never need something else.

I used to be a journalist for eighteen years and one day I felt sick. I couldn’t do it anymore. I wanted a break. I like writing and I shall always do. 

Maybe in five years I want to do the same job again, but not for now. I cannot spend all my life being proud because I was a journalist, an editor in chief, a senior editor…

I don’t deny them, it is really something very important and it is not something that everyone can do, but I have to stop it. I shall not be proud all my life only because I did this thing.

I learnt English. OK. I learnt it and I go on. I shall not tell all my life, I learnt English, I have my certificate. I obtain my aim and I fill my quiver for new targets.

I have a perception and I don’t know if it’s correct or no, but I am almost persuaded. Persons that have only one qualification in life (one certificate, one language, one interest, one aim) are very hard and unfair with the others and they always want to pass their own ideas.

And that’s how the problems begin.

Maybe I am crazy, maybe I am a person that gets bored easily, maybe I am exaggerating, but for me, nothing is enough.

I don’t blame people because they don’t do things. “Doing things” is a combination of circumstances (free time, money, lack of obligations, willing to learn, correct timing, etc). That makes me mad is the pride that people feel and the way that present these kind of victories.

I finished the university, I have my degree, after this I never read anything more, I don’t follow the evolutions of my science, I didn’t even read enough in the university, now I have a job, I make money, I have a good career…

Make money, career. Two meanings I hate.

I love money, I adore money. I think that is the best thing in the world, but is that it? Is that all? For me, career is work all day, make money, to show off to my friends. Career persons are these ones that stay all day to work, because they don’t have any other kind of interest or life.

Of course there are persons that can combine many things, but they are few.  

I am sick to hear persons to work, work and work and make money and be allllllllll day at work. You are successful businessman, I agree. But, that’s all. If this is what you want, you are happy. You are a career person.

No thank you. I prefer to change interest every five years. Whatever I do, I do it well, trust me, because I work very hard. But after some time, it finishes.

I want new thrills. I want AIR, new ideas.

That’s me!

TRAPPED BY LIFE

Every day I feel more and more trapped by life. And when I look around me, I see more and more people trapped by their life.

Persons with abilities, dreams, hunger to create, ideas… that cannot live. Life traps them.

As far as concerns me, I am trapped. I AM TRAPPED.

I always do things that I don’t want. Like a magic hand moves just a millimeter my target and I can never find it. And I feel like Scarlett O’Hara “nothing in my life cam as I wanted”.

All my life is full of obstacles that I cannot overpass them and I change my road. I change my road, because I have to move on, to continue my way.

And I see that the same thing happens to my friends, my colleagues, my neighborhoods…

People are trapped by the mentality or the time, the customs of the country, the narrow minded man world. Trapped by fears, unfulfilled wishes...

People that make dreams and when it’s time to make them true, life comes and stopped them. A professor that doesn’t want to lose his “chair” (even if he is 100 years old) stops the evolution of a young student. Relatives that still live in the 19^th century decide for the future of another family member.

Colleagues full of complexes never accept a new idea, if it doesn’t derive from their mind. And they are trapped by their personal fears too “Am I enough for this position? Maybe another with better education come and takes my position. Maybe this new idea is dangerous for me”.

People want to travel and the law of the country doesn’t permit them. People want to live in another country and again the law of the new country doesn’t permit them. People want to marry, but their traditions are different.

Invented differences make our life a HELL. Differences obtruded by complexes, interest and power.

We are coming to this life without our willing, they send us to school without our willing, we make dreams, we plan our own life, we try to be prepared for it as best as we can and after this real life start.

You go “out” and the trapping starts. You have to handle the real life (rent, bills, expenses of any kind) and if you still have the energy for dreams, then, OK, you are free to make them true. And even if the real life doesn’t stop you, someone else will come to your way to do it: a competitive companion, a narrow minded person, a conservative, a villain person, an IDIOT. Always exists and insuperable obstacle.

We come to this life and someone plays with us. We start running, but in reality there is no term. There is no rope to cut. And if exists, only some of us see it and less cut it.

I don’t understand why we bring children to this world.

Day by day I see people that they cannot breathe. They try very hard to find a way and suddenly they are called to walk on another one.

I don’t know what to say. I am just trapped by life and I feel that all my friends are trapped too. I don’t care about me. In a way I used my “punishment”.

But I cannot stand the fact that I cannot do anything for my friends. I cannot help them. I spend nights crying and praying for them (because they believe in praying) and nothing changes. If I could shell my soul to the Devil (like Faust) to help them, I would do it). But I cannot. I cannot help! I cannot help!

We shall be all our life trapped.

I cannot stand it. I cannot see any light. I just see the dark of the tunnel. I hope that them one day they’ll see the light.

I am an optimistic person, even if you don’t believe it. But I am. And I continue my life, walking my way (or the way I can walk on), hoping that I could walk on it as much time as it possible, before life changes my route one more time.

Maybe this is my way of resistance or my way to see some light in my own personal trap. I don’t know. The only thing I know is that someone has to try to find out the medicine for “trapping”.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, ENOUGH!

A friend of mine was always saying something that I didn’t admit and I always blaming him for racism, when he was telling that.

He was telling “if you were not like how you are, you wouldn’t where here”. He was telling this to all the cases that someone was unable to finish a simple job.

Passing the time, I fortunately see that he was right. Recently I had a disagreement with a person that made me think my friend’s declaration.

I am tired of all this persons that thinking a little (just a little) bit more than they are used to, costs them so much.

They make a plan for their work in their minds and out of this plan, nothing. Even if the thought comes naturally in their minds, they exile it. They take the easy way of everything. They are terrified of the idea of thinking. They have always in their mind “if I think, they will make me work more and do more things”. Miserable, pathetic creatures.

The problem is that this kind of persons, that they don’t want to make their life advance not even one step, they block your way too.

If they don’t know something, then they don’t think, they do what they want and after this blame you that you gave the order. And of course in their work responsibilities is nothing more than a few things. They will never ask to know something more (the fear of more work or real stupidity).

Their responsibility stops there. This “there” is determined by his narrow mind.

That’s why they are all their life in miserable works, with miserable salaries and all their mentality and thinking is miserable.

They deserve what they have. My friend was right.

This kind of person is able to make you quit of your aim –because you cannot stand them- to break down your nerves every day and of course to make you worry every moment. When the lie and the chicanery is their way to protect their self, you are always in danger. They know the art of disfiguring the truth very well. And you don’t. This is their court. You cannot play because you don’t know the game.   

And as de Sade “the fake ethics convinces more than the real one”.

He will start talk and mewl to everyone (because these persons don’t have any kind of self-esteem) and you are… lost.

Maybe you think that I am exaggerating writing this, but I am not. Trust me. I am just tired of all these sick people that they don’t have any willing to live or to do something in their life except of keeping a job. The right to job is respectable and I respect it. But I cannot respect the laziness and the foolness of people, especially when they block my life and my progress and mainly when they blame me for their fault.

I am angry, yes I am angry and maybe you think that I am shellfish. I am just angry and sad and sick of them!

Idiots are invincible!