What we really want?

Last year, I hear often about a lady that has a lot of money because she has a lot of houses “to let”. And their rent is too high!

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One day, I met the lady and after a short talking about her life she start talking about one of her houses and its problems. And suddenly, she turned to me and she confessed: “Hey girl, do you really want to now what I want? What I really want? The only thing I need is a cushion on the floor and a little personal time every day. Just a little time”.

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And then, I remembered what a Greek singer said to me, during an interview: “You can never know what really one person wants. What you see it is not necessarily what his soul wants”.

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And then, inevitably, I made myself the same question: “What you really want, Farah? What you really need from your life?”

As it is natural, my acquisitive, greedy nature started to count. I want this… and this… and this…

... 

 

No way. What I really want is  

safety,

love

  and happiness.

...

Yes, no everything is OK. Yes I really want to be safe, in love and to be happy.

Of course I need money. Life is based on money. But, money, money, money, no thanks.

As much as your money increase, your addiction to them increases too. And you forget your dream and become a slave of your pocket.

Have you ever think that you don’t have enough clothes when you are in love? No you walk in the streets, you see the windows and you feel completed, satisfied. You need nothing.

... 

When you put in order your priorities and you start to fulfill your desires, easily or not, you feel an enormous happiness. Yes, this is what I try to say.

Of course we need money, car, house, clothes, luxury, travels, but the problem is why?

To make our heart feel complete and happy or to fill the gaps of our life?

When I am sad, I go shopping. Shopping therapy (the Psychology agrees with this. The justification is official). But after two hours, the gap is still here (and this time is double, because except of your heart, your purse is empty too).

I am alone, I go out every night and I return home in the morning because I don’t want to think. Or I stay at work until late. I don’t want to admit that no one waits for me home (not even a cat or a dog) or I don’t have a personal and social life and I call my misery “career”.

 
 ...

So, it is not what I really want…

What is that we really want and how many of us, we have the courage to admit it?

Not many, this is the problem. We try to make cover the real problem, “we gild the pill” and we try to find justifications even for ourselves. It is very hard to admit that our life is empty or it doesn’t go as we wish. As we had designed it. As we had dreamed it.

Life is not a dream, is not a page of an illustrated magazine, not a television advertise. It is difficult, hard and unfair.

 

...

 

It is in our hand what we shall do to make it better or at least tolerable. It is in our hand to think and using the experience of the age to direct it as we want.

So, for me, this lady had found the meaning of her life.

... 

 

Yes, I want to be healthy (my family and my friends too). A job that permits me to keep my dignity, the safety of my house when I return, a plate of food, a place on the floor to sit and lay my back on the sofa, my books, my vacation travel once (or two if it’s possible) in the year, the ability to continue my studies every year and all my friends and family around me. I want a house full of life!

 

... 

Now, I know and I don’t torture myself anymore with fake or impossible “wants”.

It is loss of time and life is so short.

Just think and decide. I know, the easy way is always the most difficult, because facing the truth hurts.

But at the end of the road the redemption comes!

the redemption comes! 

the redemption comes! 

the redemption comes! 

Redemption Song ....

by Bob Marley 

 

 

SO MANY DREAMS, SO LITTLE TIME!

I feel an incredible energy these days. I’m thinking of so many things that my mind is going to explode. I feel the gears of my mind to move so quickly that I’m afraid they’ll burn.

I didn’t have this feeling for a long time and now -thanks God- I feel alive and kicking.

I just want to let the time pass to start my new… projects.

Even if my dreams will never be true, I shall be happy for this mental orgasm.

It is very important, when you feel that you cannot “born” something new anymore (and all your life you “born” new ideas), that you are empty of ideas, unable for creation…

Then, it is like a merciful fairy lady, like these ones in the fairy tales, with the short green dress, the blond hair, the transparent wings, the magic stick with the golden dust, gave me a flick!

Since then, I don’t think anything else except my future projects.

I don’t have time for useless bad feelings that poisoning my heart, I don’t have time for idiot egoisms.

Viva the creation! It doesn’t leave you time to do things without meaning, just the important ones.

So, now all day I design, count, think, imagine, ask, combine, read, compare…

Oh! What a beautiful life.

Some moments, the fear makes me lose my courage, but -thanks God- it is only for a moment.

I am sooooooo happy.

I have so many dreams and so little time.

TIME FOR WOOOOOOOOOOORKKKKKKKKKKK NOW! 

PS. Mr Winter is always right (write Farah, think Farah, create Farah). Thanx pal!  

 " you got a dream you got to protect it "
" you want something go get it "

Sad and sorrow

When you are hungry for love, companionship, friendship you are not so careful.

You are not so able to distinguish the purity of the others’ emotions.

You start to give, to love, to share without thinking. It is very easy to believe any kind words, any kind of lies, to close your eyes in front of the obvious.

And the truth is revealed very soon.

 Sometimes you are lucky and your relationships (any kind) are deep and real.

But, what is going on when the emotions are not real.

“It depends on the situation” somebody will answer.

Of course it depends, but whoever is the one that plays with you, that lies to you, that betrays you, even if you are waiting for this, even when you are prepared, even if you don’t care about this person, the fact leaves you a bitter taste.

Especially when you didn’t harm the other part. Especially when you gave benefits to them.

Then you have a bitter emotion, you feel sad and sorrow.

Yes I know that it is not normal to spend any emotion for persons that they don’t deserve it, but this is the difference between the persons with high EQ and the others.

The fact that even they hurt very much, THEY feel.

“Who deceives, is as much wise as the one that left himself to be deceived, but he (the deceived) gifted the glory”.

THE “FUCK THEM ALL” LIST (I)

After my fans’ demand… This is an expression that use very often the television channels in Europe, when they want to play the same movie or serial in “replay”.

So, after my fan’s demand (actually after demand of Mr. Winter), I decided to publish my personal “Fuck them all” list.

FUCK LIST

1. Work: I spend working the best year of my life, my salary was not enough to live and because of this low salary, I shall not have a good old age too.

2. Career: Hahahahahahahhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

3. “Friends”: Who cares about the “friends”.

4. Hell: Doesn’t exist like the religions’ books say. We live hell and paradise here.

5. Paradise: Paradise lost.

6. Snakes (any kind): They will be always snailing and crawling on the ground. They will never be eagles.

7. Globalization: If we are going to make one world, where everyone will have an access to the civilization of the other, then why we need armies?

8. IMF: Stop destroying countries, pimp. Your turn is coming.

9. Rusty minds: so many detergents against the rust in XXI century. Try one.

10. Lovers: The fact that you believe that you are unique, it doesn’t mean it is true (psss… even if the woman sigh in bed).

11. Money: I adore them, but most of the people dislike them. I just want to know how life could be without money, or if the money was something very heavy to carry it (like a governor made them in ancient Greece in purpose to make them not determine people’s life).

12. Internet Connexion: Free the connection. I want to speak with my friends.

13. The real name of a person: I want to change my life, my way of thinking, my mentality, I WANT TO CHANGE MY OWN SKIN. So I chose the name I like.

14. Religions, nationalities, casts, social classes, status quo and other shit like these: the commonalities are stronger than the differences.

15. Stereotypes: still exist?

16. Demureness: I prefer severity and dignity.

17. Dignity: Overdose can kill!

18. Silly people: Go away of my way; stay on yours.

19. Advices and opinions: I leave in another continent, I do another job, I speak another language, I think in a different way because all my life play the deaf to other people advice.

20. Phones: “Your call is been diverted” and I divert my feelings for you to the air.

21. Time: I cannot put so many things in one day and even if I could add 25 more hours to the twenty four hours, I need sometime for myself. OK?

22. Competition: I want nothing from no one. I have my own plans and dreams for my life. Keep your positions and your “chair”. No threat from my side

23. Prestige: Really?

24. Success: Why the majority of people have a wrong idea about it? This way becomes a nightmare.

25. www.blogger.com: I cannot post my texts. :P

26. Limits: Who loves us, create “limits” of another kind to protect our relationship and he doesn’t need anything of the traditional ones.

27. Complains: Go to the complain box, please!

28. Proposals: Only the serious ones.

29. Indiscretion: You can ask me anything you want. I shall never ask. Life is so simple.

30. Promises: I am practical.

31. Fear: One day I shall kill him, I swear.

32. Obstacles: Life is fair. All of these persons that put in your way any kind of obstacles, they are still there, putting new obstacles to the next imaginary enemies. But look where are you J.

33. Misery: I am not interested.

34. School: Shit in head that we try to forget for the rest of our life.

35. Drugs: I don’t have any experience to talk personally, but it is proved that they kill. Think how many people in this world try to stay alive?

36. Fortune: When someone has a lot of money, someone else becomes poorer.

37. Phobias: Everything is inside our mind.

38. Unfulfilled wishes: just fuck them. We don’t know if life would be better if they were fulfilled wishes.

39. Beauty: There are not ugly people, everyone is beautiful with his own unique way.

40. Black (any kind): I prefer the colors.

 

STRAY DOGS

The stray dogs in the streets wander without a reason, trying to find food, water and shelter. Sometimes, one good and sensitive passerby they give some food, water in the summer and more rarely a caress.   

Caress is the more difficult to be given, because most of people are afraid of dogs and in additional of the dirt that these dogs are carrying.

It is said that when a dog comes straight to you to caress it, in a life before it was your dog, your beloved pet.

Oh! Lord! These wet, moaning eyes.

“This is a dog’s life”, someone will say.

Yes, it is, I agree. This is life, this is nature.

But, maybe sometimes, between all these stray animals you would notice some dogs that their eyes are saddest than the normal and a sorrow is clear inside them.

They are the dogs that no one, never have caress them. Not even one time! They pass their life, without food, shelter and without the feeling that a friendly hand leaves.

Some people are not far from these dogs. They spend their life without a kiss, a smile of a lover, a caress, a warm touch, a little priceless gift, an open hug when anxiety and fear conquest their life.

Maybe they have food (maybe not), shelter, money, clothes, but…

Yes I know, some other people they don’t have even this.

But in the societies with the luxury psychosis, the Feng Shui mentality and the “think positive” theory ruling our life, this theory according to which we have to be all the time happy like the junkies and to erase every bad thought of our mind (sorry, guys, but “The wonderful sunshine of a wonderful mind” is just a movie, not reality), the “caresses lack” is the real loss. 

I just caress every dog I see in the streets.

All the lonely people

When we start our life -and we go for first time to school- nothing forebodes our future life.

During the school period and the childhood, we live in a house full of relatives, we have a circle of friends and school mates, we have many school and family obligations, many different interesting that we don’t have the time to feel lonely. Actually, we don’t have time to feel anything except of anger for the relatives that we cannot stand of exhaustion.

But when we leave behind the safe circle of the teens, many problems appear.

First of all we have to enter in another circle, the circle of work colleagues, university colleagues, army friends…

As all of us know, the entrance in a circle is not an easy thing. Whatever are the reasons that make this penetration uneasy, this is the truth.

And what happen if your life obliges you to change the place of leaving and move to another place?

If you make this movement for studies, you have the opportunity to make a new circle, but if you have to work, the things are a little bit difficult.

You want to be in a circle that more or less everybody has his own friends from his childhood or the university years and you have to play with the law of possibilities.

Would be able to be part of this new circle or not?

 Sometimes it happen, sometimes you enter in the circle, but this circle put its limits to you. Of course you entered the circle, but…

The members of this circle recognize you as a friend under special circumstances. They will call you for example to go out with them, only if no one else is available.

This is a good start for loneliness and as lonely people have a very special feeling of distraction, the feeling that their loneliness always bothers the others, they never ask or demand.

And one after the other, the circles remain closed. And the life passes with an endless effort to penetrate the circle of companionship.

And gradually you start to invent a false life to narrow to those who ask you “what have you done this weekend?” and you cannot answer “nothing, absolutely nothing, I was sitting on my sofa with my loneliness”.

And the anxiety to invent a “life” begins.

“Oh, look at all that lonely people…”

Mother-ing!

Women have been born to be mothers. This is the nature. With children or not, they always take care of the others, especially men, that they don’t care about daily details.

Women buy many stuff for men, that they never would take care of, they advice them for many things they buy them all the other clothes except shirts (underwear, shocks, pajamas, after shave, etc).

They care about anything that ensures them that their men’s life will be easier.

But what is the payment for all this care? Just a phrase: “You are like my mother” or more ironically the answer “yes mother”.

They don’t like to treat them like their mother, but they accept any kind of gifts that women (except their mother) buy for them, or they have the demand women work like a kind of reminder for friends’ birthdays, celebrations and any other kind of social obligations.

I write all these without any intention to blame men, I just mention a situation. I don’t have any problem to do it.

I just write this, because I want to ask men just one thing. How would be their life without their mother or without a woman to take care of these details?

My mother doesn’t live anymore and even when she was alive, I was not living in the homestead anymore. I left my house early in my life.

For all the things of my life, important or not) I had to take care of my own.

It is not a pleasant situation, trust me. So, now, if someone shows me the less sign of care I appreciate it like it is a peace of gold.

My mother always said “if someone makes something good for you, appreciate it. And if this person does this without any obligation to push him, then u have to appreciate it twice”.

This is what I do!

I just want to say to men to try to think their life without “woman’s care” for one day only. I am sure that they wouldn’t like it at all!

Or at least the phrase “you are like my mother” would be said with another… tone.

J   

Failure

What an awful world! What a hateful world. What terrible emotions raises. I think it is one of the most “lonely” words in the universal vocabulary, as no one wants it to accompany him.

But what exactly means failure and even when we say “ok, this is part of life and it helps us to mature and to be taught by our mistakes…”, do we really accept it? I think no.

Failure is the opposite of success.

But what exactly failure is?
Literally: Failure: 1. an act or instance of failing  or proving unsuccessful; lack of success: His effort ended in failure. the campaign was a failure. / 2. nonperformance of something due, required, or expected: a failure to do what one has promised; a failure to appear. / 3. a subnormal quantity or quality; an insufficiency: the failure of crops.

It is bad, it hurts, it is not acceptable, it is… For whom?

For the failed person sure! Why? Cause he sees his dreams to tumble down? Cause if he had succeeded this aim his life would be better? Cause he doesn’t have any other interesting in life that this one an only aim and now they are not able or strong enough to invent another? Because he is not able to accept the failure, cause he is not able to explain the failure or –finally- cause he doesn’t want to accept this failure in front of the others. The problem is the failed person or the others? These others that eternally care about the business of their neighbors and not theirs.

I just wander if failure hurts more if it is know or if it is hidden.

If I lose my balance and fall in my house, I’ll stand up, I’ll give some time to myself and after this, everything is going to be all right. After some minutes I’ll have forget it. But what will happen, if someone else is inside the room?

Of course I shall feel uncomfortable for more time than I’ll feel if I am alone.

So, a very big role plays the opinion of the others about of what we do and especially about what is the result of our actions.   

Everything is harder when it is revealed in front of the other’s eyes.

I was studying Spanish for six years and I decided to exam myself for my diploma after my professor’s prompt and grouch.

When I learnt the result of the exams I was at work. I told to a colleague, that it’s supposed that he was a friend of mine and he didn’t show any kind of happiness, not even a fake one. He murmured one justification and he close the matter. My family and my teachers went glad more than me.

For me, was a success. But what about my friend? Maybe he felt jealousy. But why? We were not competitors.

Yes, but sometimes “your success is my failure”. I had a degree in another language and I speak for instead of him that speaks only two…

Maybe that’s why any kind of failure hurts and tortures us. Because we cannot accept that we are common human people, with limited abilities, we are persons with small interestings, person that we don’t like to “torture” ourselves, giving him more skills and abilities. Knowledge needs effort and hard work.

But we cannot accept the fact that somebody will call us lazy or uneducated, or limited, or…

I think that failure hurts more, when the others are informed about this. Always the other’s opinion and always an enormous hurt EGO.

If we think any failure of our life, we shall see that in the whole concept the other’s opinion is present and plays an important role to the cure of it.

If we normally think about failure, we shall see that the really loser of it is our ego, our prestige and not our heart.

And this because failure is an veeeeeeeeeeery good way to learn life and to be taught by it. Maybe you think that this is a very banal opinion, but this is the naked truth!

Next time you’ll fail on something, think about. How do you feel when you think about this failure you personally and how do you feel about this failure you personally, but put the others on the circle.

Actually, failure is just a world that we overestimate and when we reach to be wise, we call it, simply, experience!  

  

Ignorance

I read a book, nowadays, a historical one, about the different captures of Salonica (a greek city). The enemies are the infidels.

As I read almost all my life, I have a concrete idea of “what a good text is”.

These texts -as a way of writing- they don’t like me at all. They are very weak, according my opinion. Literary texts, written with a childish way.

But this is not the point. Reading these texts now, at this age of mine, with my culture level and a mind that absorbs everything, passing it through a dense filter, I can understand how easily was to fanaticize ignorant and uneducated people.

The good losers and the bad winners. We, the faithful persons suffer from the infidels.

Two thousand years before, more or less, when people didn’t know anything else, except of their own square meter of their existence, everything else was strange. Or worse, everything else was dangerous, bad, tremendous, not good.

Now I can understand how is written the history in the school books (epic references to our achievements and ashes to the achievements of the other side).

If you are European (and short), the Black Ethiopian (and tall) is always wild and bad. In front of your eyes the height, the different language and the corporal vigor was a continuous danger.

So many years of history, so many events of this universe, so many common cultural differences (that know consist the beauty of the world and the desirable globalization), so many blood, death, poverty and misery based on human ignorance, on the luck of education and knowledge.

The same confrontation from all the parts.

I was shocked when I realized how the history gone on through the years. Under these circumstances it was very easy to manipulate people. It was very easy to make them see only the differences and not the common things.

I am really very happy just for going to school!     

Spying!

Many nights during my life, I am watching out of my window observing my neighborhoods lives. I don’t have any intention to spy them, just human interest.

I just look through the open windows, especially late at night that the majority of people sleep, I want to know how is keeping me company!

I just look and try to understand how their life is. Are they happy? Are they sad? Are they open minded, narrow minded, funny persons? Can they solve their problems? Is their way of thinking sharp and quick?

This family I see every night to eat together about 8, is it happy?

I see the curtains, the furniture, the faces, the every day life…

I don’t want to be indiscreet, I don’t want to be rude, but every time I see an open window I have the “curiosity” to know who lives inside.

A painting on the wall (beautiful or ugly, it doesn’t matter), a hanged clothe, a great wall paper, a strange face, a kid, an old man that smokes continuously…

All these are signs that reveal the life and the character of the owner, but as we all know, all that glitters is not gold.

Yesterday, by the influence of the full moon (the wonderful Egyptian full moon) I stayed on my window for a long time, watching -or spying, if you prefer- my neighborhoods one more time.

I don’t know if I am going crazy or it has the magic of the full moon, but I heard so many voices to tell me “Farah, narrow our story, our stories have to be told. Just look through the window and you will understand everything… Write our story Farah, write, write. Maybe it will be helpful for someone else”.

After this request, I cannot do anything else but write their stories.

I just asked them a deadline of one week and I promised them that I shall start.

First I promised to write the story of madam Rim, the lady with the azure turban.

I see her sometimes in her fifth floor apartment, when she’s watching what happen to the neighborhood or when she stretches her clothes.

She is very thin and very aristocratic even in her fainted robe.

Wait a week madam Rim, wait…