Empty…

Sometimes I feel an extreme fear, loneliness without reason.

I just see a photo of a friend of mine or he’s talking to me about a day out with his friend and I feel pain. I feel empty.

This moment I feel empty, alone, abandoned. This is not truth, I know. And I am not a jealous person at all. I don’t think that a person belongs to another. I don’t understand possessiveness in human relationships (except the normal one).

I don’t have any right on no one, I know, but sometimes, when I see that the life of my friends doesn’t include me, I am dead sad. I think I lost them.

I don’t know why it happens. I am not a psychologist to analyze such things. But it happens.

I feel that my friends throw me out of their lives. They can live without me. They don’t need me. They can go on without me. Things happen in their lives and I don’t know them. Maybe they’ll tell me about them by the way one day.

I am not part of their lives or even I am, I am not a precious one. I cry, I get mad, I get sad, I disappoint, I don’t know. I feel my heart so heavy and the same time I feel empty.

I don’t know. Maybe I grow old and I leave emotion rule my life and not the logic.

Maybe I feel extremely lonely. Maybe I am jealous.

But sometimes, when I am out with a friend of mine, I think that this time, someone of my other friends is “out of the scenery” this time. And then I think “oh, of course I love him and he loves me even if we don’t live together 24 hours in a day”.

And then the logic controls again and I feel better. But what happen to me and the emotion take the place of logic?

I don’t like it. I judge people unfairly. I don’t like to be unfair. I hate it.

But I consider the important thing is that I understand what happen and I don’t have the problem to talk with them and solve any kind of problem.

To apologize, to say “mea culpa”, to ask them “why”, “how” and all these adverbs that help a conversation to go on.

Isn’t it GOOD LUCK?